Statue of Limitations

Dear Professor Yolo Forgetful, I’m writing to ask your opinion on the spate of recent statue attacks, are these a product of people brought up in an environment hostile to statues?  Is this violence random or is what we are seeing actually statue on statue violence?

Sincerely, A person who is not a statue and is definitely not acting on behalf of statues or being compelled to write with a marble sword against their throat held by a statue.

 

Professor Yolo Forgetful writes: What an interesting last name you have!  I will answer your query in several parts as what you have asked warrants a categorical approach.  In the beginning there was God, or some facsimile of him or her, like a really big monkey or something, and when this “God” person or animal got jealous of others he or she turned them into stone, i.e. statues.  

 

Throughout prehistory (the period before Michael Jackson released the album “HIStory”) there are examples of people encountering this fate since God was usually jealous of somebody, typically when they had nicer shoes than God.  But all in all, it wasn’t bad being a statue, no taxes, less existential ennui and you didn’t need to buy toilet paper anymore. Also you could use the statues as a fence to block sight of something aesthetically unpleasing, like wind farms, or, alternately in more festive times, you could put a lampshade or silly hat on the statue to enliven the mood.

 

Unfortunately with the rise of the Christian Church, statues begin to get a bad rap and it was conjectured that people were praying to these “false idols” when in fact they were actually relatives of those turned into statues who were trying to have discussions with their aunt or former neighbor, or fellow longshoreman.  During the time period described by the Tanakh or Hebrew Bible in the Book of Lamentations (which is mostly kvetching about poor service at certain restaurants or rye that does not have caraway seeds) it is revealed that people would often leave “offerings” of food and drink in front of statues.  These were, in fact, left by those related to whoever was turned into a statue in the hope that they would one day revert to their normal, mobile, human selves and be really, really hungry once they did.

 

I hope this answers your question and remember, if you are not on parole-o, you better say YOLO!  

 

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